For Kinky Girls: life

What I've Gained So Far Being Single in My Late 20's

May 17, 2017

I got into my first serious relationship at 21. We took a "break" twice and ended it when I was 24. Four months after the relationship ended, I jumped into another relationship where I lived with my then boyfriend for two years. That relationship ended when I was 26. I'm now 27 and will be 28 in September and have been single ever since. There are many things I've gained though while being single. After my last relationship ended, I began solely focusing on me. I ended up changing my eating habits and adopted a healthier lifestyle. I found a new hobby, which was running. I needed to do something to clear my mind when life seemed too demanding and it has helped so much. I completed my first 10k this past April and am planning to run a half-marathon in October. My new hobby brings me so much enjoyment and peace of mind that I would have never imagined. Being single has given me so much more confidence and self-esteem. I only engage in things that gives me pleasure and it feels good not having to depend on anyone to bring me comfort. It took some time getting used to bearing all my emotions alone, but I realized sometimes you must work through things on your own.

The more time I spend alone, the more I am learning what I like and what I don't like in a partner and things in general. I am also less likely to engage in things that do not serve me for the greater good. Recently I also connected with a group of women that I would never thought would happen. My friendship circle has expanded and I never knew how much I needed that sister-tribe in my life. We are all at different stages in life, but we are constantly there cheering each other, supporting each other, and making each other laugh. I also got even closer with another one of my friends and she's very supportive as well. Being single has made me seek friendships and associations that would not have been the case had I stayed in a relationship. I was always wrapped up in what my boyfriend was doing and hanging with him and his friends, that I did not realize I needed my own time to just enjoy the company of my girls. It is so easy to get comfortable and stagnant while in a relationship that often you lack self-motivation to pursue your dreams and goals. Right now, in my late 20's, my focus is trying to build for a greater future and work on myself so that I am whole enough to endure life's many obstacles and be the best partner whenever he comes around.

health

It's Ok to Admit You're Not Ok: My Struggle with Anxiety and Depression

October 06, 2016

It was April 2011, when I finally sought out help because I knew something was wrong. I was at LSU, and in terms of credit hours I was in my senior year but was not graduating. I struggled to maintain good grades because my focus was off. No matter how much I tried, I could not bring myself to study or pay attention in class. I did not engage in things that made me happy. I picked fights with my boyfriend at the time and would be so closed off from him. To escape what I was feeling, I would smoke weed a lot or sleep for hours even though I knew I should be studying. I constantly felt pressure and fear. There were times I would sit in my room and cry and there were nights where I would constantly toss and turn. My body would physically ache. Nobody knew what was going on, but me. I felt worthless and felt like a failure. It was easy to hide what I was going through. At one point I thought maybe I have ADHD because my mind was constantly racing so I finally sought out a neurologist. The neurologist ran several tests and did scans of my brain and concluded that I didn't have ADHD, but that I was suffering from depression and anxiety. He prescribed me lexapro and also recommend a psychologist for me to see. I went to the psychologist and over the course of two days, we did several hours of testing and she diagnosed me with Anxiety Disorder NOS with mild depression . We discussed everything from my family history to what my current state was. The psychologist gave me a list of recommendations on how to combat my anxiety and depression, such as seeking therapy, being medicated, and a list of books on activities that will help me cope. I was on lexapro, which is an anti-depressant, for almost a year before I decided to get off it because I was gaining weight from it. It did help a lot, but I wanted to find alternative ways to help myself. After being dropped from LSU, I moved to Houston for a semester by my family and worked a full-time job. My mental state became better because I was around my family and did not have the pressures of school weighing on me so heavily. My family was able to comfort me and reassure me that everything would be fine. I started to exercise and eat better, which helped my mood a lot because it made me feel better. I engaged in things that made me relaxed and I started to create a routine for myself. By making to-do-lists it was easier for me to not become stressed out or overwhelmed. I also started talking to God more which seemed to help. So many Christians believe you can pray this away, but prayer alone did not work.

I still suffer from anxiety on a daily basis, but it does not fully consume my life. I have my days when I am extremely irritable or can't focus. I feel weird some days. I am withdrawn and don't answer phone calls from family and friends. Some days I'm mentally exhausted to the point that all I want to do is sleep and some nights I'm up until 4AM over-analyzing every aspect of my life. Some days it's hard to get up because I feel the pressures of life holding me down. Last week was pretty rough for me. I had an anxiety attack and I felt so alone and overwhelmed with life. I've feared some important relationships changing in my life. I'm feeling a little better this week, but I'm not all the way well. I haven't exercised in almost three weeks or been sticking to a vegetarian diet, like I've been doing since February. I broke my routine and that pretty much triggered my anxiety to the point where it's been affecting my daily activities and productivity. I've shut down mentally a few times last month. I had a reality check with myself today because I noticed things were starting to get chaotic again. I'm glad fall break for school is coming up because I need the time to regroup, de-stress, and start my routine again. It's not an easy journey, but I'm strong enough to keep going. I'm usually vocal about a lot of things, but when it comes to dealing with anxiety it's so hard to talk about what I'm going through. What helps a lot though is talking about it to people that care about you. This isn't something you can battle completely alone. So if you know someone that is suffering from anxiety or depression, just be understanding. It's a constant struggle that we are dealing with internally and all support is appreciated.

health

Letting Go of a Toxic Relationship

July 20, 2016

I once was in a relationship that started to turn toxic about 9 months before it ended. The relationship began to turn toxic once we started to be on two different pages sexually. Usually when I am very stressed out, there's nothing my partner can do to turn me on and sex is the last thing I want. My desire faded and I tried to explain to my boyfriend what was going on. Instead of him being understanding, he would try to guilt me into having sex by telling me that I was his woman and that he can't get it from anyone else or that he just want to make love because he really wants intimacy. Sometimes I would give in to his wants, but would be feeling empty inside. Then when I did give in, he would always complain about me not being into it or that the sex was not good. As as sexual assault victim, I told him that it was impossible to be turned on if I'm feeling forced. His rebuttal would always be that he wasn't a "raper man" and that I'm supposed to give it to him. I noticed it becoming a problem when his attitude started to change. He would constantly stay angry and moody when I refused him. It was so unbearable at times that I would just give in just to diffuse the tension.

One day we got in a big argument and he broke up with me. I actually felt relieved and ecstatic about it. I thought finally this is my way out. I had been thinking of breaking up with him, but never could think of the right time to go. I knew what he was doing to me was emotional abuse. Once we broke up, my life started to get better. I started focusing on me and doing the things that made me happy. I began a healthy lifestyle transformation, which has me feeling strong and empowered. My school grades also improved from the previous semester. My stress levels went completely down and I felt liberated. I finally had the peace of mind that I desired and felt a confidence I've never experienced in my life.

After the breakup, my ex tried to use reverse psychology by telling me, "If you were in love me like you said you were, you would not be able to walk away so easily." Of course that did not work for me because I loved myself more than I loved him and my mental health was more important than a relationship.

Here are some signs that you are in a toxic relationship: